Of Brain Weasels

Anxiety Sucks

Yesterday was a bad day when it came to Anxiety.  There is always this little roller-coaster of emotions that I go through right before I am about to do anything.  It is like those butterflies in your stomach… eventually grew up into a Cthulhu-esc abomination that now tries to suck the life out of everything you do.  Right before a major event, be it a trip like in the case of Pax South or simply even just going out to dinner with friends…  my anxiety brain runs rampant telling me all of the myriad of things that are going to go horribly wrong.  The end result however is always the same, and the final chorus of the mental play always ends up singing…  “everyone will hate you” over and over again to the point of absurdity.  Part of my whole being honest with my readers means delving into these things when they are happening.  My general theory is that there are a lot of people suffering, thinking that no one else feels these things.  If by talking about it I help someone to realize that it is shockingly common, then I guess some good has come of the roller-coaster.  The internet can be a carnival of horribles, but at the same time it can be this strangely successful support group.  If others had not talked about their own anxieties… then chances are I wouldn’t be to the point where I can actually talk about and confront mine.

Yesterdays anxiety attack came from two distinct sources.  The first is the fact that I am meeting a bunch of people that I have “internet known” for years, for the first time in person at Pax South.  The logical brain tells me that these people love me, and will just be happy to see me.  The anxiety brain tells me, that I am a fraud and that everyone will hate you…. so you probably better just stay home where it is safe.  No amount of reassurance really stops the voices, because they are irrational fears… the primal stuff that never really goes away.  They are the evolved version of that nightmare where you end up at school naked, or in my case… I signed up for a class I never attended and it is past the drop date… and somehow have to cram and entire semester into a single week to pass the final or end up failing.  I know if I can get past this…. and get out the door on this journey, I will be perfectly fine.  Once I get in the moment I feel safe and happy and can really enjoy my friends, but  it sometimes takes all the power in my being to ignore the anxiety brain long enough to actually make that happen.  Adulting sometimes requires mental hacks.

Appraisal Anxiety

The other big source of anxiety that happened to be looming at the exact same time was our home appraisal.  Last week we went through the process and from that point onwards I have been stressed about whether or not we would get a decent enough price to be able to continue.  We are currently going through a home refinance, and there are few things that stress me out in quite the way that money does.  The thing is…  most of my concerns are entirely in my head.  Based on some quick comparisons we pulled together, it seemed like the number we were shooting for was very conservative.  However until we got the physical piece of paper back, we had no clue.  Also there was always the fear that the appraiser would find all of these faults that we had to cough up more money to fix…  just to be able to go through with the “refi”.  However about halfway through the afternoon we got back an email from the company with a lengthy form essentially saying that we were fine.  The number he came back with was way more than we needed, and in truth more than even my wildest dreams would have expected.  Essentially this good news was what I needed desperately to tell my anxiety brain to shut the hell up and let me go on with my life.

The interesting thing about this whole post is the fact that I was going to make it this morning regardless of anything else.  There is a whole lot of “stuff” that we just simply don’t talk about.  I was raised in a part of the country and a time period where this is not the sort of thing you discuss in polite society.  Additionally the bullshit logic of the eighties could be summed up in the commercial slogans like “never let them see you sweat”, where showing any sign of weakness would ultimately lead to your downfall.  However I tend to believe that if we were just more honest with each other about our own failings, that the world would be a much better place.  I know that there will be nothing that I can do to really shed my fears, irrational as they might be.  So instead I have learned to live with them, and learned ways to trick myself into doing the stuff that I need to do to be a “functioning member of society”.  It turns out that today without me realizing it is the day that the whole #BellLetsTalk hashtag happens online, where folks share their own stories about mental health.

Beauty of Honesty

The thing is…. I don’t have answers to my problems, but I have things that work for me.  The beauty of opening up about them… is the fact that chances are someone in your “monkeysphere” gets exactly how you are feelings.  Just knowing that often times helps more than anything, to know that you are not quite as alone in your mental prison as you happen to think you are.   I am lucky in that I have a lot of friends that just “grok” me in ways that I could never explain.  When I go through my “turtle” periods where I pull my head inside my shell and hide from the world… they are the ones poking their head in to check on me and make sure I am doing okay.  I am also lucky that I have a bunch of friends that understand that my withdrawing is not about them, but instead about me trying to give myself time to heal.  So just talking about the various things that are going on in my world, has helped me immeasurably.  If you find yourself in a situation where you just need another human being to listen to your problems and tell you that your brain is full of shit…  then I am here.  The truth is, for the most part our brains are constantly telling us lies, because they end up getting focused on incomplete data about every situation.  We can never fully know what someone other than ourselves thinks, so we fill in the missing bits of data with speculation…  which tends to be the worst possible view of a situation.  Over the next few days of packing and travel I am going to be stressed beyond belief, but I know deep down inside if I can just trick myself into going through with everything… I will have a really fun time.

 

 

Nonlinear Storytelling (Warframe)

Warframe and Destiny have a lot in common. They’re structurally very similar games, with the main differences being in the former’s emphasis on movement and the latter’s emphasis on tight gunplay. They also both have stories to tell, but are doing their best to stay out of your way while they sorta-tell them. They’re both doing a sort of osmosis-storytelling, where hints and pieces are meant to come together to form a narrative whole, rather than a linear storyline. In both games, the story is the world you inhabit, and like the real world, the amount of story you get from the world around you depends on how much you’re willing to look for it.

Nonlinear Storytelling (Warframe)

Neither game tells its stories very well. Warframe is better in that at least the story in the game can be viewed in the game, and when it does present questlines they’re coherent within themselves. Destiny, at least pre-Taken King, was largely incoherent and finding anything out about the story relied upon spending time reading websites rather than playing the game. Warframe’s tutorial is one of those coherent-within-itself storylines, and it and the first major questline following it both do a fairly good job of introducing the various factions you’re fighting.

You’re first introduced to the Grineer, one of whom is planning on taking you prisoner for some kind of biological experiments, and callously disregards you in general. He’s a pretty reasonable starter villain, though it’s fairly clear he hasn’t thought his plan all the way through. In that first mission, you’re introduced to the Grineer and to Lotus, your eye-in-the-sky, mysterious companion who more or less explains what’s going on and why you’re doing what you’re doing. By the end of the first mission, you’ve got a pretty good reason to fight the Grineer and you’re at least aware that Lotus is trying to help you, though her motivations aren’t exactly clear.

By the end of the tutorial, you’ve also met an arms dealer who is, presumably, how you do your shopping via the game’s market (though the timing of this is awkward), and you’ve rebuilt your own spaceship to get around from planet to planet. You know you’re some kind of warrior, and you’re markedly more powerful than the average soldier you face. Depending on how much you listened to dialogue, you may also have picked up that the Grineer are, for one reason or another, obsessed with genetics and that the Corpus (another major faction) are basically war profiteers who set up conflicts so they can profit off of them, like an evil megacorp.

Nonlinear Storytelling (Warframe)

Closing out the major factions is the second major questline, wherein you go to find out about Grineer biological weapons and uncover the Infested, a zerg-like swarm of nasty biological creatures that, well, infest and destroy. You don’t need a lot of motivation to fight these things.

Then we get to the rest of the game’s story. First off, it’s hard to figure out how to even experience it, or in what order. There are questlines on the Market, blueprints that, once completed, unlock a questline for you to do that fills you in on some kind of story or another. Many of these are tied to warframes, so in addition to getting some story you also get to find and build a new frame for yourself. Doing “The Limbo Theorem” gave me a good insight into the original owner of the Limbo warframe, and by association a somewhat better understanding of the concept of the warframe in general, and why I can hop between these biotechnological suits.

There are also deeply hidden quests. One quest I found by scanning a random drone in a mission I was doing, only to later discover that by scanning it I’d unlocked a quest. I have no real idea where this quest is going, or even what it’s about. I haven’t delved into it yet, but I’m intrigued at digging up more (probably literally, the Limbo Theorem involved a lot of excavations).

Nonlinear Storytelling (Warframe)

On the other hand, there’s Alad V. Alad V is a boss on Jupiter. Like many bosses, he’s got something of a personality and taunts you (creepily) as you approach him in his boss level. Bosses’ stories tend to be contained to the boss levels on each planet, so you don’t get a lot of lead-in, but you gather relatively quickly that Alad V is some kind of mad scientist and wants to test some kind of new creation on you. You defeat him, like you do, and like many bosses he doesn’t show up again. Except he does. When I logged in for the new event today, I was greeted by a face I didn’t immediately recognize, telling me he was “calling in his favor”.

It was apparently Alad V, that guy I fought on Jupiter, and I have no idea what he’s talking about. I don’t know why he’s alive, I don’t know why I’m doing missions for him, I don’t know why I apparently owe him a favor, and I certainly don’t know where to even look for the story I missed in the process. If this event is more story, I’m forced to wonder if there’s more story in events that have already passed, that I know nothing about and may be referenced by future events.

I’m not inherently bothered by this, honestly. I like the idea of a game with history, where events move forward and past events change things but aren’t repeatable. What I don’t like is the game assuming I know what it’s talking about when even a basic check on my completed-mission flags would make it blatantly obvious that I have no clue. If this quest had started with a message from the Lotus telling me that she owes this Alad V guy a favor, and that she needed my help with it, I’d be more on board. There could easily have been an event that explained in great detail why the Lotus owes Alad V a favor, possibly due to player actions during that event, but I don’t need to know that for her request to make sense as a new player.

Nonlinear Storytelling (Warframe)

 

Even the existing message followed by a quick flag-check that triggered a message from the Lotus saying “That was confusing, let me try to help, I’m going to upload some dossiers to your Codex for you to look over and make sense of that” would help a lot and make sense, AND drive me to look at my Codex to figure out story stuff I might be missing. Even if the message was jarring, I’d at least be able to quickly and concisely catch up to a point where it did make sense, kind of like a comic book recap.

Instead, I have a guy calling in his favor out of the blue, and the only time I’ve seen this guy is when I was shooting him in the face as he tried to test his death robot on me. I’m not really inclined to give him the time of day, much less do work for him. I’m gamely playing along because it’s an Event, and events have neat missions and cool loot, but I don’t have much of a narrative motivation; indeed, I have the opposite of this. The event’s story revolves around powerful assassins hunting Alad V, and me going to help him with that, and I really don’t know why I’m not on the side of the assassins with this one.

To their credit, the assassins also don’t seem to know why I’m not on their side. Luckily they don’t seem to harbor much ill will towards me for it, more pity than malice.

Nonlinear Storytelling (Warframe)

When Warframe tells a coherent story, I’m interested in it and I like following along; it makes me better understand the game’s setting and I find the setting interesting. I just wish I knew how to get it to present its story to me in a more directed, coherent way, or at least how to know what story bits to do next, and where to find them.

X-Files and Grifts

Mulder and Scully

X-Files and Grifts

Last night really was a night all about one thing.  The previous night my wife had fallen asleep during the X-Files premiere, because she is sick as hell… so we had planned on watching the first episode again while eating dinner so that we would be primed and ready for part two when it aired at 7 pm my time.  I have to say I have been looking forward to this television return just about as much as anything you might imagine… other than maybe the start of a new Walking Dead season.  During the 90s I was a huge fan of the X-Files, and I am guessing I watched it more religiously than I ever realized.  When watching the show again recently with my wife on Hulu…  I remembered the major plot points of every single episode we saw.  For the most part… the original show holds up pretty well other than the technology aspects in a largely pre-internet world.  I tried to temper my hopes about how the continuation of the show might end up, but regardless I was pretty hyped.  Be warned that I am going to spoil various plot details so if you have not had a chance to watch the show, I suggest you skip down to the Diablo block below.

For the most part… I think the show ended up really damned good.  I was kinda shocked to see them using the same television intro sequence that they did in the original, but I guess they wanted to paint a clear picture of the fact that this directly connects to the original.  We find out that Mulder and Scully did in fact get together… and had a child together… but ended up having to put him up for adoption to project him from the powers that were after both of them.  Mulder has essentially lived a life in relative seclusion, whereas Scully has returned to medicine and is doing surgery to correct defects that may or may not be caused by Alien DNA.  Where the show starts to go a little off the rails is the introduction of a new character played by Joel  McHale.  “Tad O’Malley” is a caricature of the right wing conspiracy theory types, and he vehemently believes that the government has been in a massive cover-up of alien activity since Roswell.  All of this fits the original vibe of the show… but then something happens that I just cannot reconcile.  Mulder is introduced to a woman that he apparently interviewed when she was a child, during her first abduction… that tells him that she was abducted by men not by aliens.  Without much additional information…  Mulder goes through this “change of religion” and is instantly equally convinced that the government has been fiddling with its own people, and that the Aliens are no longer even a thing anymore.

I guess my problem here is… how does someone who has devoted his life to the thought that Aliens were fiddling with the human populace, quite literally turn on a dime and adopt a completely different conspiracy mythology. Thankfully Scully plays the skeptic here, and calls him on his shit.  By the end of the show however his change of religion is essentially confirmed, but the way this all plays out just feels pretty abrupt.  We are treated to a very sweet shot of the “Smoking Man” who is now having to smoke out of a tracheal plug.  Then we shoot forward to last nights episode, as both Mulder and Scully are apparently back in the saddle working for the FBI under Walter Skinner again.  This episode felt perfect.  Everything about this felt like we are just picking up the legacy of the original show and moving forward, this time acting upon the theory that mankind has been fiddling with Alien dna and fusing it with people.  We are eventually presented this super creepy ward filled with kids with rare deformities, that we suspect are the cause of Alien intermingling . Basically if they can keep cranking out episodes as good as the second part of this “six part event”, I am down to gobbling up whatever the X-Files puts out there.  The best part about all of this… is Duchovny and Anderson still work amazingly well together.

Grifts with Friends

X-Files and Grifts

While watching our little mini X-Files marathon last night, I was also fiddling around in Diablo 3.  I initially started simply piddling around and doing bounties, however once Damai logged in he rallied the troops and before long we had a full team alternating between regular and greater rifts.  There are still several pieces of gear that I am hunting for, so I was totally down with the cavalcade of legendaries and set pieces.  The big takeaway from last night was just how well I seemed to be able to hold my own.  For the most part we were doing the same Torment X stuff that was wrecking my face the last time we were together as a group, but I have reached a point where honestly it doesn’t really phase me.  Sure I still need to get out of exploding bits..  but most of the mob and environment damage is at a point where it is reasonable.  The only gotcha is the fact that I still do way less damage than would be needed to quickly clear this content.  Fortunately however we had plenty of dps to chew through the mobs, and Carth who is now well over 600 paragon levels is a brutal machine.

By the end of the night I managed to climb to 297 Paragon which places me within the realm of the big kids finally.  I am still pretty sold on my thunderfury, and I managed to pick up a temporary chest piece that serves nicely until I can find the one I am actually hunting for.  Other than that the big acquisition was the thorns epic gem, but I am running very low on sockets for my jewelry.  This is a point of contention for me with this game actually.  At 70, no piece of jewelry should come without a socket.  There is never a point where you would not want an epic gem in every piece of jewelry, yet the random item generator is constantly spitting out socketless rings and necklaces to serve as  disenchant fodder.  Instead I went through 35 diamonds trying to socket a ring before finally getting the lucky roll, which ends up super frustrating.  Mostly this just feels like a design flaw, since the key to doing awesome things at high level seems to be based around rocking as many maxed out legendary gems as you can throw in there.  I still don’t have all of the gems that I need, so I am guessing that my new idle activity is going to be clearing greater rifts just to level the ones I have up.

 

 

Aggrochat Games of the Year 2015

This week’s podcast was centered around our games of the year this year. We talked about a bunch of games, and if you have the time to listen, I think it’s a good show. I go off on a bit of a tangent once or twice, hopefully it doesn’t detract too much from the show!

Aggrochat Games of the Year 2015

Picking my games of the year is a bit weird for me this year. I didn’t play very many games by my usual standards, and it’s gotten me thinking about how I interact with video games. Since I landed my first job as a game designer, I made it a point to own every console and play every major release– every game people were talking about whether I was interested in it or not. I’d usually play eight or nine new major titles a month for the entire year, and as indie games got more numerous and relevant, I played a ton of those as well.

In 2012, I paid for 418 games and expansions, counting content DLC but not cosmetic or unlock purchases. I know this because I itemized them all on my taxes. I knew I had the number, and I looked it up, but I couldn’t even start to tell you what most of those games were. I’d be hard pressed to name a game that I knew for certain came out in 2012, but I almost certainly played it. A cursory google search for “game of the year 2012” brings up a slew of titles, and seeing the names I can say with certainty that I played every single one.

What I do remember was a conversation about games of the year in 2012, and I remember being able to deconstruct nearly every game I played into tiny pieces that I evaluated. The thing is, I don’t know if I really enjoyed them. I played so many games that I barely had time to process them, much less take the time to have fun with them. I played games like it was my job, because I believed it was. I was (and to some extent still am) of the opinion that a good game designer should have experience with as many games as possible, and be able to talk intelligently and at length about pretty much any major release.

In forcing myself to play a lot of games I wasn’t interested in, I found out that I really liked a bunch of kinds of games that I never thought I’d enjoy. It broadened my horizons a lot, and while there are still genres that aren’t my thing, even those usually have a handful of games that I really like. I can also cross-reference games– seeing what a fighting game does with animations and frame pauses suggests to me how to make floaty-feeling hits in MMOs feel more solid and satisfying.

This past year, I enjoyed far more games than I think I did in previous years, despite playing a fraction of what I usually played. I skipped a lot of the big releases this year, and spent the time on games I was interested in. It was refreshing, honestly, but I miss the feeling of being connected to the overall gaming sphere, knowing what’s good, what’s overrated, and what’s a sleeper hit.

I’m probably going to play a lot more games this year, try to catch up on the big stuff I missed, but I’m going to try to find a happy medium between the utter deluge of games I’ve forced myself to play in the past and the trickle of niche titles.

A couple of friends have, at various times, commented that they feel like they should jump on a game that “everyone’s playing” just because it’s the thing in the moment. I’d say play games that are fun for you right now, if you’re playing games for fun. I don’t always play games for fun, sometimes I play them for work, sometimes I play them to hang out with people, and I think they’re all valid reasons to play a game, but it’s nice to know which one(s) I’m choosing.

Play what you want to, not what “everyone” thinks you should. Only do that latter thing if you have a good reason.