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Great is the enemy of Good

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Or really anything at all.  I don’t know that I thought this blog as anything that was ever “great” or even “good” but I sure do know that part of my slump lately is that I look at my peers blogs (Belghast, Tamrielo) I see a bar set so high that I feel incapable of even failing to achieve it gracefully.

I am terrified of failure.  I am ever more terrified of failing in such an embarrassing way.  This is something I need to work to overcome, because if I’m ever going to grow as a person, the path is probably going to be through constant failure, not constant success.

Dragon Age and Racism

Boy this is a topic I’ve wanted to write about but I gotta preface it with this: I am scared.  Racism is a big topic that I feel like no one wants to talk about and generally gets angry with me when I do.  When it comes to privileged classes I am near the top: White, male, cisgendered, heterosexual, college educated, born into an upper middle class family, employed at a job that offers a salary and benefits, married.  Social justice is something I care about a great deal, because I am offended by any statement that “the world isn’t fair” that isn’t followed up with “but we should strive to make it so.”  I am acutely aware that trying to talk about any of these topics from a position of authority is foolish, so I’m not going to.

I’m going to talk about what how Dragon Age offers me a brief glimpse into the life of someone less privileged.  I have played as two characters in Dragon Age: Origins: A city elf rogue and a elf mage.  I quit my rogue around Lothering because I was frustrated with the gameplay.  I’m currently in Orzammar on my mage.  Both of these characters show you the story of two characters trapped by circumstances beyond their control.  It’s been too long since I played a city elf, so I’m going to mostly talk about my mage.

As a mage, I open the game being told that my lot in life is as an effective prisoner of a religious order of Templars.  I was likely taken from my family at a young age as soon as it was revealed I was a mage.  I start the game going through a semi-mandatory rite of passage that would have ended with me being executed had I failed.  I got a chance to strike up a conversation with my would be executioner, who expressed happiness that he didn’t have to kill me.  Everything you do in the intro reminds you that you exist at pleasure of the Templars, and they will end your life if they feel it necessary.  The sense of oppression permeates the scene, and I couldn’t help but gleefully take my leave when the Grey Warden offered it.

It’s funny, my first playthrough I remember hating Duncan, but that’s because the circumstances as a city elf are a bit less cheerful.

It is funny, as the game started I felt the oppressive weight of anti-mage sentiment.  As the game continued I realized that while the Templar were generally awful, at least they didn’t seem quite as prejudiced against elves as nearly everyone else is.

Elves are the outcasts, servants, beggars and slaves of this world.  City guards call us Knife-ears, a slur that actually hurt me when I first heard it.  My authority as a world leader is consistently questioned because of my heritage.  As a human, guards will treat you with immediate deference.  As an elf I constantly hear “I don’t really know how I’m supposed to treat you.  I mean, you are an elf.”

Even my close companions are not immune.  Leliana approached me one night to talk about my childhood, and she ended the conversation attempting to explain how elves in Orlais are so much better off as slaves than as free elves.  Morrigan, who was my one time lover, would sneeringly refer to Zevram simply as “elf” when she wanted to dismiss him.

My own rage against the world is a product of my personal upbringing.  I was never required to live the life of someone with less privilege.  My reaction to the game is that I wish I could just let the whole world burn for it’s crimes against my people.  And I also realize that if this wasn’t a fantasy game, a game where I am expected to win, the people would revolt against that.  The power structures I am unifying would unify against me, and I realize the trap that this is.  I feel hopeless, and I don’t know what to do.

I hope this ramble makes some sense.  I’m going to avoid any further line drawing to real life and just say that Dragon Age: Origins, a game I hated, has made me reconsider my own upbringing and that of my fellow humans.

I can’t wait to play an elf in DA: 2.

What’s that?  Humans only?

/sigh

This is the end, my only friend

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Today we celebrate the end of Blaugust.  At first I figured I would try it because it was a great way to challenge myself to blog some more, but over the course of it the thing I feel most appreciative for is the amount I learned about writing.  I tend to overwork whatever I’m writing and never get anything done.  This month made me get something out there, even if it was raw and emotional and maybe not what I wanted to write.

But often it was what I needed to write.

Thanks for all the fish

First, thanks to Belghast, for organizing this whole crazy thing.  We’d never have gotten started if it weren’t for him.

Second, thanks to Ashgar, who kept riffing with me on a number of posts.

Big thanks to both Cannot Be Tamed and Alternative Chat for their questionnaires which gave me some structure to post my thoughts into.  It was a huge help and I had a blast with both of those questions.

Finally thanks to everyone who commented on posts, retweeted me, and all my new friends on Twitter.  The new social circle is the prize that is most valuable to me out of this whole exercise.

Moving Forward

I’m probably going to start blogging on a twice a week basis, with probably more cogent blog posts.  I will be trying to keep up writing in general, but I have enough things I need to sit down and work on that I am not short of projects.

I’m sure there will be something going up for the end of Blaugust, so should definitely check out the Nook.

 

Rising to the Challenge

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Yesterday I talked about some of the reasons I play games, but I feel like I left out a major one: I love the feeling of overcoming an obstacle.  Often games will layout for us clear goals that we must meet in order to achieve victory.  Rarely in real life are these goals as plainly laid out as they are in video games.  Your win conditions are clear and you need to figure out how you are going to get there.

So is true with Blaugust, a month long challenge to write a blog post every day.  Before the start of this I knew I was getting into an uphill battle, with GenCon landing square in the middle of this competition, but I managed to power through (albeit with a couple barely passable posts), and now that I’m in the home stretch it feels great knowing that I can beat this challenge.

So when I see Belghast talking about how it upsets him that I seem forced into posting, I feel obligated to intercede on Blaugust’s behalf.  Yeah some days are harder than others, and this final stretch has had an unusual snag due to some con crud, but if it were so easy to do, I wouldn’t feel the sense of accomplishment for achieving it.

The journey is more rewarding than the prize

Blaugust comes to a close this Sunday, and I will likely take a week off blogging to recharge, but that’s not to say Blaugust has made me hate blogging.  In reality, it’s taught me so much about what it takes to run this, and I’ve got an idea of what content people like and what content gets a pass (apparently I’m the only one who really loves math for math’s sake).  It’s taught me about how to project my voice out there and get over the fear of not being good enough.  I spent so much time on early blog posts and now I will start typing until something comes out.

This has absolutely been a great experience from me as a blogger, but almost as important it’s been fun for me as a gamer.  Blaugust is a competition to see if I can manage for one month the level of dedication that it takes to write a post a day, and it’s been tough but it’s also been fun.  I’ve met so many awesome people like Doone, Maevrim, Blue Kae, Alternative Chat, Cannot be Tamed through this process and I look forward to keeping up with the twitter-sphere as it goes forward.

Wrapping it up

I feel like this is one of those cases where if it were easy it wouldn’t be as satisfying to complete.  It’s the type of game where I need to ramp up from the easy mode to make sure the game is pushing back at me enough that I feel the satisfaction of victory.  It’s not even the most grueling challenge I’ve ever taken in a game, though given the “match” has lasted a full month, it might be the most marathon-esque challenge I’ve ever partaken in.  Still, I’ve had a blast and I know that personally I will be right there for next year’s Blaugust when it all begins again.

For more stuff on Blaugust, check out the Nook!