August 2015 – Page 27

I Don’t Trust Myself

August 11, 2015 by Tamrielo

A close friend of mine called me out on something recently, and it led to a really great conversation. I spend a lot of time thinking about things, but rarely put them into words for other people– a lot of times things become clearer for me when I’m forced to express them.

Simply put, most of the time I don’t trust myself. It’s a odd thought to mull over, and my hope is that putting it more into words here will help clarify it. Some people put up walls and keep people at a distance because they’re afraid of being hurt. I understand that, and I get those motivations, but it’s not what happens with me. I’ve been hurt by other people, but it’s never shaken my belief that most people aren’t going to intentionally hurt me. Instead, I’m more afraid of hurting other people.

It manifests in strange ways. I prefer the man-behind-the-curtain approach, and I’m very reticent to commit to things with people unless I’m absolutely sure I can make it work. I’ve caught myself making jokes about “I don’t know why anyone follows me”, expressed as a warning to others that maybe they shouldn’t follow me. People still do, and for all the jokes about not knowing why, I really do know why they do.

I don’t trust myself; I have a deep-seated belief that I am a hair’s breadth away from letting everyone down all the time. I put a lot of effort into being a good leader and a perceptive friend and an attentive lover because I don’t want to let people down (more than I, in my mind, already have). It drives me to be a good leader, it drives me to pursue excellence, because that looming shadow is always behind me. People trust me, and that scares me because I don’t share their feelings.

At the same time, I know what I’m capable of, and I’m well aware of my skills. There’s an Infinity tournament this weekend, and I’ve been agonizing over what to play. I’ve been repeatedly told “bring whatever you feel like!” or even “bring something really brutal, we want to see it,” and it makes me anxious. I know I can take pretty much any list and be very effective with it. I’ve been playing the game a long time and I’m confident in my skills. What I worry about is my reputation. I don’t want to be That Guy Who Just Moved Here And Wins Constantly, but it’s not respectful to my opponents to play intentionally unplayable lists or otherwise let them win. In the meantime, people are consistently happy to play against me, even when they lose. I’ve had one or two local players ask me to bring something just utterly crushing, and when I do and beat them soundly, they’re EXCITED, like losing so badly was the coolest thing ever, and it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around that.

I have a habit that I’ve been trying to break lately. I have, over many years, become an expert at crafting ornate little (metaphorical) masks that I use to interact with people. To compartmentalize my interactions with others, I only show them one of a number of masks that represent some facet of myself, and the rest stays hidden away. As I get to know someone better, I’ll use a few more, showing off different facets, but there’s still that barrier. It’s always a small thrill when someone can see past the mask and calls me out on it, but it doesn’t happen often, and I have a number of friends and acquaintances who are very familiar with a mask and have barely any idea who I really am underneath. I have, at times, wondered whether there is anything underneath all the masks, or if that’s really all of me. I would have, at one point, argued that point very convincingly.

Very, very rarely, I will get close enough to someone and they’ll have seen enough of my masks that I don’t have to wear them anymore. This is true of a very, very small number of people, and they tend to be friendships that last me for years. I’ve been trying, lately, to let more people in. Someone commented to me, when I talked about my masks, that keeping that up constantly must be exhausting. I can’t really say. If it is, it’s a thing I’ve been doing so long that the effort isn’t noticable anymore. What I do know is that, every so often, I’m close enough to someone that in order to be honest with them, I have to trust myself, just a little bit. It’s hard, and I don’t get there with many people.

I am, as a result, very thoughtful and considering when it comes to love. For all that I’m a romantic, actually loving someone is a tough hurdle, because I have to have first taken off all the masks, and then I have to remember how to trust myself. When I’m there, though, it’s a continual feedback loop. I’m a better, more open, less detached person, and in addition to being someone I respect and care for, the person I’m with is a constant reminder to remember how to trust myself, because I often forget.

Another friend of mine asked me if I trusted other people. I think I surprised him when I said I did– I’ve never had a problem trusting others, once they’ve been given a chance to prove that they’re trustworthy. I’m not naive, but I’m not overly suspicious either. I know I have a network of friends who I can trust to have my back if/when I really need it (and even when I don’t), but for me the challenge is trusting myself, trusting that I’m the kind of person worth that sort of effort.

It’s a work in progress. Isn’t everything?

No pictures today, other than the header. Sorry not sorry for the wall of text; I’m forcing myself to post this to open up, but I secretly hope that the pictureless expanse of text will cause people to tune out, so I’m maybe not opening up as much. If you got this far, thank you. You’re helping.

On Dancing

August 11, 2015 by Ashgar

Blaugust Post #10

Last night, our Monday raid beat up Bismarck (Extreme). It helped a lot to have Belghast, who cleared it with the Wednesday group last week, but it was still the first kill for 5 of us. Bismarck is one long DPS check, but more than that it’s the kind of “controlled chaos” fight that the Monday group excels at with AOEs flying everywhere and weather changes that have to be reacted to appropriately. Clearing this fight opens up our way to Thok ast Thok (Extreme) and the hardest current encounter in the game outside of Alexander (Savage).

1-2-3

As suits his music, Ravana asks you to dance. It’s the kind of intensely structured encounter where you need to know what’s coming, as reacting to it is generally not going to be fast enough; it’s kind of like Titan in this sense. In addition to his normal abilities, Ravana has a series of attacks called “Liberations” (Prelude to Liberation, Liberation, Swift Liberation, and Final Liberation). Each of these is a 15 second cast (he takes bonus damage while using these) that ends with a very choreographed attack pattern. These vary in difficulty from “You remember Ifrit EX, right?” to “What madman came up with this nonsense?”.

Fortunately, all is not lost, and Someone came up with these simple animations to show one way of dealing with what’s going on. I love it when players do awesome things like this, because trying to explain Final Liberation in just text requires a lot longer than the 54 seconds of this video. Understanding how and why it works that way isn’t really something you can get from the video, so there are some drawbacks there too.

Shiphand Buddy: Infestation

August 11, 2015 by Grace

Blaugust 2015, Day 11

Welcome back to another episode of Shiphand Buddy! Today we’ll be trying our hand at space salvage and, of course, fighting weird space monsters.

This green gas doesn’t look very good for your health.

What: Find the source of the infestation and get out alive with your salvage!

When: Available at level 17

Where: Galeras, Auroria

Gold Timers: Normal: None ; Vet: 18:00

Gracie’s Run Time: Normal: 4:49 ; Vet: 6:55

Shiphand Buddy Says: I have seen an awful lot of this place, but I still really like it. It’s quick and easy! Take your time in the first room, kill the creatures and then seal the three vents. As you progress through the rest of the instance, remember that creatures can spawn from the round vents in the floor, as well as occasionally from cargo crates when you loot them.

If you proceed carefully in the next room it can make your life a lot easier. Clear the wandering patrol and mark the crate on the center platform. DO NOT go down the ramp yet. Mark the crate on the right, and walk out on the ledge there as far as you can. Do your best to aggro the mobs below you with any ranged attacks you have, then run back to the main upper platform to fight them. Be careful not to fall down onto the ramp! You can aggro the other pack either from the upper middle platform or by very carefully inching down the left ramp and attacking until you can just hit them with your longest range ability.

Why go through all this trouble? Once you move down the ramps an event will start with crew members being sucked out of hull breaches. You have a very short timer to find the breach and seal it before the crew and your gold medal get sucked off into space and lost forever, so clearing those creatures out before the event starts can make a huge difference. If you can’t do this, you’ll have to work on clearing them out in between the hull breaches.

I like to sit in the middle and spin my camera until I spot the next breach and then dash to seal it. If you have an addon that shows nameplates for interactive objects you can see all the possible breach locations and keep an eye on them. Any movement abilities you have will help a ton here as well. Once the event is complete make sure to tag the last crate in this room, up on top of some shipping containers. Be warned that more adds can spawn from the floor vents once the event is over.

After that the rest of the instance is a piece of cake. Make your way down the hall, killing creatures and tagging the last of the cargo before you get to the med bay. When you head toward the supplies in this room a short event begins. Kill a wave of infected crew, then a wave of 3 infection monsters. When they are near death they will run back to the middle and merge into a miniboss. It has a fair amount of health but otherwise isn’t too bad. Once you kill it you can finally loot those medical supplies. Note that there’s poison gas in the lower area during the event, if you are struggling to kill everything fast enough try pulling to the top of the stairs first.

These blob monsters are pretty gross.

The lights will go out momentarily during the transition to the last stage of this shiphand. You will need to fight your way back up to where you started, killing blobmonsters and “saving” the crew along the way. Each time you use the medical supplies on a crew member they’ll explode into multiple little mobs, so be prepared. Once you’ve found them all and killed all the monsters you’re ready for the final showdown with a giant gross disease creature. Partway through the fight it will hit you with a blind attack. If you’re prepared you can interrupt right away to avoid taking unnecessary damage while you’re blind. Once it dies you’re done!

Differences between normal and vet: Normal mode has no cargo to collect and no event/miniboss in the med bay area.

Other Thoughts: This is usually considered the fastest shiphand if you just want to do some speed runs, but you’ll want some practice to get used to the hull breach section first.

Next up: Rage Logic!