Good Morning Folks. One of the unwritten promises of this blog is that I will be open with you all about my life and what is going on in it. I might not give you the totality of a story, with all of the names, dates, and places… but you can be sure that I will give you the general flow of the tale and all of the important bits of information. On the 4th I wrote a post called I Resolve to Live, and the crux of that is reaching some decisions about my life as I rebuild it after the death of my spouse. Most of it is making some decisions about who I am going to be going forward, but there was a small bit of it… where I admitted to you all that I had been in a fledgling chat-based relationship for a few weeks at that point, and things were starting to get a bit more serious.
im sorry i’m doing this early, i don’t think i can do this right now, it just feels a lot i’m sorry id love to stay friends bc we still know so so so much for each other i’m just so overwhelmed
Monday morning around 3 am I woke up as often happens because my bladder forced me to. As I was rolling over to go back to sleep… I had the misfortune of checking my phone and seeing the above message. Suffice to say I did not in fact go back to sleep as planned. In fact I was pretty much up from that moment on, and struggled through all of Monday in a sleep deprived and quite emotional stupor. I both apologize and praise everyone that talked to me on Mastodon and Bluesky that day, because I was certainly in my feels about what was happening. I’ve talked with “Ren” a few times after that statement and I think we maybe just got caught up in the whirlwind that a chat-based relationship can be.
So it is important to know that this is not new ground for me. I was a certified IRC Junkie during the mid 90s and that is ultimately how I met my first wife because we both were. Chat-based relationships can be so fast, because you end up furiously talking for as many moments as you can squeeze out of the day… staying up way too late just to see one more message from this other person. We used to say that a day on chat felt like a month in real-time anywhere else, and that is true… but it is a false sense of intimacy. You don’t really know that other person until you start trying to put motions in order to maybe begin to take it into the real world. As a result… chat-based relationships often implode like this at a moments notice and without much good reason. At least on some level… so much of it was intoxicating for me personally because it was caught up in the nostalgia of days gone by and a different version of myself.
Sometimes it is really important to have someone in your life that knows you from before the person you are now. “The Librarian” is that for me. He and I went to High School together, managed to somehow stay in contact throughout the years, and represents one of the few men in my life that I have ever been able to achieve a deep meaningful emotional bond with. He reminded me at length of all of the horrible and tragic relationships that I had prior to finding my spouse, and that it was a fools errand to even begin to contemplate that this first attempt out the gate was ever going to succeed. I also unburdened my soul with all of the specific details of this one in particular and he wanted to whack me upside the head. Taking all of the data into account… it was never going to work, not even close to ever working.
i’m sorry i just can’t handle it all at once and so much happened at once, and like i said i am uncomfortable with things that are good for me and you are
i just need a small break away honestly.. figure out exactly where i am and what i’m doing.. i can’t lie, a lot happened last night that made me really think about how i’m just not really ready for something long term right now.. and i know you’re wanting that eventually
So at the end of the day, I think I was just in a different place than she was. We’ve talked a few times off and on and I am genuine about attempting to be friend at some point in the future. It’s likely best that we do not talk for awhile, given the rapid growth and rapid disassembly of all of this. At first I got a version of “It’s Not You, It’s Me” that was thoroughly dissatisfying as that always ever is, but later I got the above more nuanced take. They know that at some point I want someone in my life that is going to be there for me, for the long haul, and they are not really sure they do. We had two different starting points, and two different endpoints… and since I was starting to develop feelings, I am not sure I could handle things moving forward on a purely casual basis. Like I said the other day, the fact that I felt anything is more of a gift than “Ren” will ever known, because I legitimately thought my heart was dead. I had not felt anything but pain in over six months. The fact that I realize I am capable of any sort of feeling is practically a miracle and going to be the thing that I really take away from this. The circumstances were wrong, and the person was wrong… but the plumbing and mechanical aptitude for feeling still exists.
So in all of the flailing around I did on social media… I made a move that is quite possibly the most egotistical thing that I have ever done. I posted the above message on both Bsky and Mastodon, because I have no clue who is into me… and this is a recurring theme in my life. As “The Librarian” reminded me… I spent plenty of time chasing folks who were of zero good for me… while ignoring people who genuinely cared for me. So with this hamfisted effort, I was just throwing it out there that if someone has secretly had designs on me for years… but never moved on it because of my marriage, that maybe right now was the time to tell me about it. I had all sorts of people boosting this… which is wild to me, but thank you very much for supporting my nonsense.
this could only happen to you
The above quote is verbatim from my sibling Ace when I told them that a Soft Kinky Nerd Girl did in fact come out of the woodwork. I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday and in the middle of a bunch of awkward discussion about the things I had been going through… she threw out that she almost responded to the message on Bsky that I posted on Monday, but didn’t have the bravery to do so. That she had a massive crush on me at various points through our chat history, but never moved on it because I was taken. We’ve been friends for around twenty years at this point, and talked off and on the entire time with various degrees of frequency. I know some of her past, she knows some of mine, because we were close enough friends to be open and honest with each other about the things that we were going through in our life. Like I have said before, I have very rarely bonded with men, but I often bond pretty strongly with the women friends in my life.
From this point forward I am going to use the code word “Erasure” for her, because I don’t want the added pressure of having prying eyes on our actions. This is someone that I interact with publicly from time to time and I want to do whatever I can to keep the pressure off us. She offhandedly said how much she liked the band Erasure, and normally I would use a profession based moniker… but she refers to herself as a “Babysitter” and that gives the wrong impression. We talked for a bit last night and it was shockingly comfortable, even though I was asking some awkward questions. Mostly I wanted to hear in her voice that the feelings she professed were genuine, or at least once were in this case. She lives a state away from me, within reasonable but not convenient driving distance. So at some point I am sure we will meet up and try and figure out if we feel anything for each other in person.
In the meantime I am going to be moving very slowly at getting to know her better. We’ve always been the sort of people that would talk very regularly for a few months, then life would get in the way and we would fade apart… and then one of us would get the nerve to ping the other and apologize for not talking more… and we would be back to normal like no time had ever passed. There is a very easy back and forth between our conversations, and I have always appreciated it. I know some of the struggles that she has gone through in the past, and I had a much easier lot in life. However we are both stable and functional adults, and neither of us needs saving. Things could start in a far worse place than having someone you already trust a heck of a lot, and have shared countless details of your life with over the years. My wife was someone that I knew for about a year before we got together, and I think it is probably more important that someone is my friend than any other trait when it comes to a long term relationship.
I know I am still really broken, and in truth…. in many ways they are too about various things. This is going to be a slow climb that we take together, and the most important thing to me is that we remain friends no matter what happens here. That is always the scary thing of taking something like this to the next level… is that you don’t want to damage this comfortable stable foundation that you have built up. The thing with “Ren” was that it was so new and fleeting, that I felt like I had to hold onto it with both hands for fear the wind would blow it away. “Erasure” is stable, and someone who has been a constant in my life for literal decades… I can walk away and take time for myself and know that she is not going anywhere. We’ve survived countless gaps in our communication just fine, and always… came back and started talking like zero time had passed. I don’t need to mind the ship to keep it from steering off into oblivion because the course is pretty straight and stable… we just have to decide if we really want to go down it.
No drastic changes… no fast movements. I just felt like I owed it to my readers who are not avid followers of social media to catch you up on what had transpired. The whole “one soft kinky nerd girl found” portion will be news to the social media folks as well. Ace curses me for once again “Bel Luck” playing a role here, because my dumb ass plea into the void should not have worked, but it seemingly did. We will see where things go from here with “Erasure” but I have always liked that band as well… so it might just work. I stole the title of the post from The Hearts Filthy Lesson by David Bowie, which comes off the concept album Outside… which I think I might be one of the only fans of. It just seemed fitting.
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Good Morning Folks! This morning I am keeping it going with my year in review series as this time I talk about some of the movies that I watched. Normally speaking I would say that these are movies that both impressed me or disappointed me enough to have something to talk about. In this case… I mostly just enjoyed all of them for various reasons. With everything that was going on this year, I leaned way more heavily into YouTube, Books, and Serialized content than I did on movies. However I did buy a fancy new television and a nice soundbar setup, which caused a significant uptick for awhile in movie viewing. There are tons of things that I did not watch last year and will probably watch in the coming year. Normally speaking I would say these are things that I watched in a given calendar year, but I also think in this case everything in the list actually came out last year.
This morning I am also going to try something a little different. I did this the other day for a friend who was dyslexic, and I recorded an alternate track of narration for my blog post. I don’t think this is going to be something that I can reasonably do for EVERY post, but I thought it might be interesting to experiment with it. So essentially I am going to write this post in full, and then come back by and talk about things again, not necessarily following the written script…. so you will end up with two slightly different experiences. Hopefully it works and drop me a line if you participated in this experiment and enjoyed it.
Happy Gilmore 2
This is probably the biggest shock for me of the year is that one… a Happy Gilmore sequel was released, and two… that it was really freaking good. There is a lot of heart in this movie and it is well worth the watch even if you have not liked anything Adam Sandler has released in years. For me he peaked at The Wedding Singer, but this movie is charming as fuck especially for those of us who grew up during his heyday. The real take away of this movie though is how amazing Bad Bunny is in a comedic role. This man is delightful and has been charming in pretty much any situation I have seen him in, but he stole every single scene he was in as the busboy turned caddy. Seriously, you need to watch this for no reason other than just how funny he is as Oscar. I hope we see him in more comedic roles going forward.
Tron: Ares
If I had a disappointment of the year, it would probably be Tron: Ares. Everything about this movie seemed like it was primed to blow me the away. You have a Nine Inch Nails soundtrack, you have these really cool red and black suits… and I obsessively loved Tron: Legacy and was pretty hungry for a sequel. This movie is not that. This movie is its own thing and clearly sort of exists as a side adventure in the world of Tron lore. It doesn’t really dabble much in the tale of Flynn and Tron, but instead sort of goes off into its own territory telling the tale of Sark. If treated with the appropriate perspective… I enjoyed the film a lot and look forward to what is supposedly the proper sequel to Tron: Legacy that is coming next. The film has some really fucking cool visuals though, and I think that was sort of its entire point. I am always deeply suspicious of Jared Leto, his literal cult leader status, and what it brings to the movies he is in… but for the most part it did not seem to adversely impact the end product.
Adulthood
Now we move on to very very dark comedy in the form of Adulthood. This is a tale of siblings, family, death, and inherited secrets. Josh Gad does an amazing job of playing the deadbeat manchild that never quite grew up, and is chasing a goal that he will never seem to reach. Kaya Scodelario does an excellent job at playing the sibling that was forced to be the adult for everyone in the household, and continues to be as things start to fall apart. There are a number of genuinely hilarious moments and Billie Lourd does an excellent job playing the effective villain of this tale… where everyone is already a wholly bad person. It is not necessarily an amazing movie, but it is a fun watch.
Takeout
This film is a bit rough around the edges, and is of all things a Tubi exclusive… which means it is on a free movie service. However what you end up getting is this really gritty horror/slasher/drama set around the folks who are working at a very low rent fast food restaurant in the middle of nowhere late at night. The character actors are pretty uneven in their delivery. For example N’kone Mametja does an excellent job in the lead role as Nova, and Daniel Janks puts up a great performance as a professor character. Even Darron Meyer does a pretty solid job and is an actor that I have liked in other things before. The characters of Harper and Susan the owner of the restaurant however are thoroughly unlikable in mostly annoying ways. I enjoyed it and it is worth a watch… and has a relatively decent plot twist… but other than that it largely is just a pretty stylized take on the slasher-in-one-location genre.
The Fantastic Four: First Steps
I am not sure we will ever return to the heyday of Marvel, where we are getting multiple banger must see movie experiences every year. However I still think last year was a pretty decent year for Superhero films. I’ve always low key enjoyed the Fantastic Four, but never really felt like anyone managed to capture what I enjoyed about it. As a kid it was always about the Nasapunk futurism and interesting technologies… more than the actual superpowers that they had. This film gives us that feeling in spades as it takes us to an alternative version of history that is deeply compatible with the whole Walt Disney world of tomorrow vibe. It has been so long since we have seen anything close to optimistic futurism, and this movie delivered on that. Sure things went off the rails and that civilization was essentially taken to the brink of destruction, but it was delightful seeing it on screen and rendered beautifully.
Superman
Last year also delivered the best Superman film that we have seen since the 80s heyday of Christopher Reeves. If this is at all what we can expect from the James Gunn DC Universe, then I am all on board. We got the first rendition of Kryto the Superdog I believe in a live action film ever, and it was delightful. We also got a cameo for the Milly Alcock played Supergirl character coming to the screen this year. I am on board with all of this. Essentially the DCU had to start somewhere and I think this was a good place. The blue boyscout has always been one of the major pillars of DC comics, and now they just need to nail a good Batman film set in this shared universe… and they will own my soul. Gotham is my favorite setting and always will be, and the best version is the old Batman Animated Series. I have hope and quite honestly I think James Gunn gets where things need to go.
Bring Her Back
There are sometimes experiences that are so weird that you have to experience them for yourself. This movie is a fucking mess and do not watch if you are not prepared for gore and body horror. Sometimes resurrection goes wrong, and takes way more effort than it is worth. This is one of those situations. Holy shit is this movie fucked up, but in the best possible of ways. I can’t say it was phenomenal but it was really interesting. That is all I am really going to say here. Watch it if you like twisted things and have a reasonably strong stomach.
Weapons
If you want phenomenal genre defining masterpiece though… look no further than weapons. I’ve loved Zach Cregger since his days in White Kids you Know. The Gallon of PCP sketch is still one of the funniest things I have ever seen, and Zach plays the titular character with his Gallon jug of PCP. I had thoroughly missed his transition into horror auteur, but apparently there is something about making people laugh that works beautifully for also scaring the shit out of them. I also highly suggest going back and watching Barbarian, which is fucked up in so many ways but is an amazing viewing experience. Everything about Weapons was just perfect… and it is a film effectively told out of order through the point of view of a bunch of different characters… all looping through the same time. Once you have seen multiple perspectives you start to learn more details about what is happening before it all comes crashing down in the final act. Pure magic. I hope this sweeps all of the award shows.
K-Pop Demon Hunters
It is hard to deny that this was the year of the K-Pop Demon Hunters. They dominated everything and even the little Korean donut shop that I go to on Sundays… has specialty Rumi, Mira, and Zoey themed donuts. If you somehow made it through 2025 without watching this… stop what you are doing… go watch it… you will thank me later. It is overwhelmingly charming. I do not care at all about K-Pop or Boy/Girl Bands in general, but this show is infectuous and has so many great characters. I would die for Derpy the Tiger and Sussie the Crow. This movie is especially important for you to watch if you have kids, and more importantly if those children are little girls. They need to see this film. I would be shocked however if they are not already indoctrinated into this madness. While I hope Weapons does well, this is probably the film that took the hearts of the world by storm… especially because no one was really expecting much from it.
28 Years Later
I’ve been a fan of this series since the first film, and I still think it is one of the better zombie films that we have ever gotten. 28 Years Later is something that I was really looking forward to… and I can’t necessarily say I am disappointed in it… but it was not the film I was expecting. This is more a tale centered around a family than anything else, but it does happen to exist within the settings of a truly bizarre and interesting world that has grown up around a rage virus based zombie apocalypse. Nature is healing… in weird and interesting ways, and it is at least cool to see what a potential future for this world looks like. I thought Ralph Fiennes character of Doctor Ian Kelson pretty much stole the movie though, and I am very interesting to see where the next film which is a side-story centered around the Bone Temple takes us.
The Monkey
Another really great horror film and dark comedy this year is The Monkey. It is centered around a cursed object that ultimately leads to major catastrophe befalling the owners. Essentially each time the monkey drums… someone dies in a truly disturbing way. The narrative largely focuses on twin brothers… played by the same actor… who deliver WILDLY different performances… and the role they have been forced into as the caretaker of this malicious object. There are a lot of genuinely hilarious moments that center around death, so I have to admit this was a great film for me to watch while I was grieving… because sometimes it is important to be capable of laughing at loss. I am wired to love horror films… but not everyone is. Some of the deaths are pretty bloody and gruesome, so if you have a weak stomach this might not be your film. I enjoyed it thoroughly though, but also I am pretty freaking twisted at times.
Freaky Tales
Now we finally arrive at the film that is truly my movie of the year. Freaky Tales is an anthology of interlocking tales that center around Oakland California in the late 80s. The wildest part about this narrative is that some of it is based on real world events and people, and KQED has a good article/podcast episode talking about this. You have Rainbow Punks, Fascist Cops, a Hitman with a Heart of Gold, and an Astral Projecting Samurai Basketball player. What more could you want? Rap legend Too Short serves as the narrator for all of these tales, and while the totality is a bit rough around the edges at times, it is a really good experience to watch. I think more than anything the reason why this is my movie of the year is because it kind of came from out of nowhere, and has so much heart that I can’t help but love it.
Were there movies this year that you loved that I missed? Do you disagree on my takes on any of the films I did talk about? drop me a line below.
The post 2025 Year in Review: The Movies appeared first on Tales of the Aggronaut.
Good Morning Folks! This morning I am continuing my series of talking about things that I liked in 2025 and this time moving on to series based content. Some of this is traditional television series, and others are anime… but it felt right to sort of split a line between this kind of content and one off experiences like a movie. I consume an awful lot of my content on Plex, and as a result it was very easy for me to go back and look at what I had actually watched during the Calendar year of 2025. This morning I am going to talk about some of the high points, and some of the low points, much like I did the other day with books. In truth I really did not consume anywhere near as much content as I normally would… 2025 was a rough year for so many reasons.
Pantheon
This lives in that realm of Anime but not-Anime that so many properties like Avatar do these days. I was tipped off to this series by my friend Sita who begged both me and Ammo to watch this, and I have to say I am very glad that I did. This is a very William Gibson-esc transhuman masterpiece that has some really awkward bits in the third act. Effectively this series SHOULD have gone on for longer, but only got two seasons… and there is a clear point in the middle of Season Two where they realized that they were not going to get a Third Season. So they very quickly had to rush to the ultimate conclusion of everything that they were working towards… so that in itself feels a bit jarring. However this is so well worth the watch if you have never seen it… or like me did not even know it existed.
Dan Da Dan
This quite literally might be the highlight of my year when it comes to media viewing experiences. I fell in love with this series in a massive way, and I will probably always have the opening for season one by Creepy Nuts living rent free in my head. Season One was fucking amazing, and Season Two just kept things up as the friendship and the will they or won’t they nature of Momo and Okarun continues to deliver. The show is fucking wild honestly, and I admit it probably takes about three episodes to hook you. The plotlines are among the more outrageous when they come to anime, and I would relate it to something akin the lines of FLCL. If you stick with it though, I think you will end up a convert. It is just plain fun on so many levels and I am anxiously looking forward to season three whenever it drops.
Star Wars: Skeleton Crew
Growing up in the era of The Goonies and Flight of the Navigator… both movies that I love deeply still even as an adult… I really wanted this to be amazing. I am not sure why it was not. On paper everything about this seemed like it was going to be a homerun. I think maybe the problem that I had with this was the fact that the weakest bit… were the adults. Specifically I feel like there was some exec somewhere who would not greenlight this project without an established adult actor playing a character in it. As a result it sort of felt like Jude Law stole way too much screen time, and was not actually worthy of it. Anytime it was just the kids doing shenaningans and adventures it was cute and fun… but when you looped him into the mix it got weird quickly. I think there could have been something really good here, and it did have moments of magic but collectively it just didn’t really work.
Murderbot
One of the series that I talked about in my book post was Murderbot and chaining through the entire series of books prior to the start of the television series. I was so glad that I did this, and I was even happier that for the most part… every single character in this series felt spot on for their book counterpart. That is… except the titular character of Murderbot. I had trouble adjusting to this for a bit, because Alexander Skarsgard will on some level be Eric Northman from True Blood for me. That said… as the series continued on by about episode three he had won me over completely and now I am not sure I could picture another actor playing Murderbot. I am so amped for this to continue because that first book is far from the best of the Murderbot adventures. We haven’t even encountered my favorite characters yet. We will be eating well with this one I hope, pending it continues getting good reception and more seasons.
The Witcher: Season 4
Something that I absolutely did not expect to be posting… is that The Witcher seires might have won me back. Season 3 was fucking awful. They did my boy Eskel so damned dirty, and them playing fast and loose with some of the lore… in the worst possible ways… made it all just feel awful. I was not planning on watching this season, but only did so because a friend of mine was talking about it. I can’t believe I am saying this… but I think Liam Hemsworth might be a better Geralt than Henry Cavil was. Things are starting to veer closer to the normal lore of the books/games as well which is a massive improvement. More importantly than that I got to hang out with some of my favorite characters a lot this season… Dandelion, Yarpin, and Zoltan. Massive improvement over the shitshow that was season three and I am hoping it keeps this upward trajectory.
Frieren: Beyond Journey’s End
I will be honest… this is one of those series that I only watched because my friend Ammo was talking about it. I am not normally into elves even in the least, so the fact that this series is not only about an Elf… but also a damned dirty finger wiggler (Mage)… would have originally pushed it out of my normal scope of interests. This is legitimately one of the best Anime and or Series in general that I have ever watched. The way the story is told is so interesting and unique, and the whole perspective of someone who lives for thousands of years…. and how they might view short lived races is fascinating. Not to mention the story has an awful lot of heart to it. Season two will be dropping pretty soon and I am hoping I can find it in dual language version because I greatly prefer watching television as to reading it.
Delicious in Dungeon / Dungeon Meshi
Have you ever said to yourself that you really wanted a cooking show with the central conceit of it being played out through the lens of a D&D style adventuring party? No? Well I had not either until Tumblr sold me on this show by constantly pushing cute images into my feed. This is a show that I started with subs, and then rewatched the entire damned thing dubbed because I just like the characterization of the individual characters a bit better. Japanese voice actors can sometimes be a bit over the top for me, especially since I am not culturized to that being normal. Marcille especially just FEELS better in the Dubbed version to me and is way less annoying than the Japanese counterpart was. Super charming and cute show, but please note… it is ABSOLUTELY a cooking show. The fact it is happening in a Dungeon and has occasional combat is just a side effect of the settting.
Honorable Mentions
To Be Hero X gets a bit of an honorable mention for me. Really good show, but I did not finish it during 2025 so I don’t quite feel right giving it its own spot on the list. Additionally I really enjoyed the Ironheart series and Daredevil: Born again and hope we see more of those in the future. Marvel really is in this awkward spot right now and I am hoping they can pull their shit together and start producing amazing stuff in the way it was during the first decade of the Avengers Saga. I still fucking love Shoresy and Season 4 was pretty great, and I know that I have Season 5 queued up to watch in the coming weeks. I would prefer for it to finish so that I can watch it all in one setting, and it is just starting to release episodes.
Tomorrow I will be talking about the movies that I watched and either enjoyed or disliked enough to talk about in 2025. What were some of the highlights for you last year when it came to serialized content? Drop me a line below and let me know.
The post 2025 In Review: The Series appeared first on Tales of the Aggronaut.
Good Morning Folks. I don’t normally write to you fine folks on a Sunday, other than to syndicate the weekly AggroChat Podcast. We did not record one of those for various holiday related reasons, and in truth the next big show we have… requires all seven of us. In theory we should return next week with our big two-parter Games of the Year show. This morning instead I am going to write a fairly personal an introspective post, the sort that I don’t normally syndicate widely and are just for the “real ones” who check my blog regardless of what fancy pictures might get posted on social media. So sit back and let me tell you a story.
Yesterday one of my friends asked me a very simple question, and I gave them quite possibly the heaviest answer that I have ever given to something so simple. Normally you say things like that you would like to lose some weight or exercise more, and both of those things are true… but I have a much more simple goal this year. Essentially it is my goal to start living life again. Since then death of my spouse I have been in a bit of a holding pattern, not entirely certain what to do with my life. Sure I went through the anguish and heartbreak… and still do from time to time, but replaced it more than anything was a growing sense of numbness. I have felt like I have been effectively sitting here waiting to die. Sure I did a few things to make that wait more comfortable… bought a new TV, organized the garage and set up a 3d printer out there, and even upgraded my gaming desktop. However in all cases they were more things to pass the time until I died myself, than anything resembling trying to do something specific with my life.
There is a kind of pain that no one will ever fully understand unless they have lost a spouse. You build this life with a person, and then they are suddenly gone… and it feels like most of you went along with them. I’ve told people that I died on July 2nd, 2025 and that is not necessarily hyperbole. The me that I was at that moment in time… did in fact die when my spouse passed away. I had a good life, and I got thirty years of it… but it felt like everything about that life was suddenly crashing down around me. In many ways I was wiped with a clean slate… not even really knowing who I was anymore. The me that existed before my wife… was such a fledgling thing. I think I was not really sure where to go from here. So much of what drove me, so much of what I did with myself… was in service of the life that I built with this other person and that is a life that is now gone.
There is something like a 90% increase in mortality for men who lose a spouse. In many cases this is exacerbated because in traditional relationships the woman is the caregiver, and the man… just does not have the survival skills to keep going. That was not the case for me, because in most ways I was the primary caregiver and I still technically have the skills required to keep going. The problem is… most of the time I didn’t really want to. I felt like I was a robot who had completed its task and was awaiting new orders, and as a result I just sat dusty in the back of some cabinet as my battery slowly drained. It is so easy to just give up. I did… for effectively the remainder of this year. I did not really care about much of anything other than the occasional bursts of phantom joy that I would get playing a game or talking to one of my friends.
I am not certain the exact moment… but in the time between Christmas and New Years I have decided that I am going to live. That seems like an odd statement, but it is something that I have had to consciously make. I am going to live my life and more importantly… I am going to move forward and move on past the death of my spouse. I’ve felt like on many levels the friends and family of my spouse have needed me to spend my life in contrite grief pining away for her… that somehow my wasting slowly as my battery runs out, helped them recover from the death more easily. I can’t be that person for them anymore. I am too fucking young and I have too much of my life in front of me. Best guess based on the how others in my family have gone, I probably have about forty years in front of me… and that is too long to slowly die. My grandfather died in his mid 90s and my Dad is still spry and kicking, so I can’t see that I will likely be much different. I need to make those forty years mean something.
One of the ways in which I have taken action, rather than letting actions happen… is I finally met up with my friend Aigie/Saracell for a meal. She has lived in Oklahoma for almost a decade at this point, but was always far enough way and the timing never seemed right… so we never actually met up. This is weird given, that this was a person that I used to talk to every single day without fail. Hell you can look at the first posts on this blog, and it was her commenting on them. We were great friends that time happened to… and we stopped playing the same games… and sort of faded apart. Thing is… someday never comes unless you make it happen. I always expected that eventually we would meet in person, but neither of us were making it happen so I did.
We met up for dinner yesterday and it was a lot of fun reminiscing about old times. The most hillarious thing is that prior to the meeting I was talking with my friend Tam, who was also in Late Night Raiders… and apparently he had zero clue that “Saracell” and “Aigie” were the same person. It makes sense, because really she did not come into her own until she became a healer and there was a massive boost in confidence that happened at the same time. Saracell the Warlock was somewhat quiet and composed and almost sheepish, but Aigie the braid twirling Dwarven Priest was a force to be reckoned with. I am not so certain about the place we met up to eat, but I am sure we will repeat the act of sharing a meal at some point in the future. It will take will and purpose to make that happen, and I will take that extra step to ensure that it does.
I’ve also been talking with someone new… that I met in the least likely of possible places. I’ve talked before by the thoroughly unlikely meeting of my wife and I and our introduction from a man in Belgium when we grew up 30 minutes apart… this one is almost as uncanny but only so because of the current state of the internet and how toxic it can be. I met a new friend on Reddit. I’ve hung out on Reddit for years, making random comments on random threads… and the algorithm fed me a thread and in that thread was a random person who made a sassy comment… and I responded. That led to chatting back and forth through the Reddit direct messaging system, and that sort of carried on for days… and then weeks. More recently we have transitioned to talking on Discord, removing another layer of anonymity from it. I don’t know where it is going, but it has been really nice… and I have spent an awful lot of the last couple of weeks watching the typing indicator with baited breath.
This may go nowhere… and that is okay. The important thing that happened though… is it taught me that I could in fact develop feelings for another person. I am not entirely certain what those feelings entail… but it isn’t the bleak numbness that I have felt since July. I can move on. I can potentially love again. I legitimately thought that side of me was dead. That I had lost the ability to feel anything anymore, and would effectively just sort of fumble through life from this point on like the shambling dead. The fact that I CAN feel anything… is a fucking miracle at this point. I am not going to push any pressure on this however, because things need to develop in their own course. They have asked nothing of me, and I am attempting to ask nothing of them. It is just really refreshing to have someone that I am nervous in the best possible ways to talk with each day.
I honestly was not sure if I would say anything here about it. We are going to call her “Ren” for the sake of this blog. She does not have the breadth of gaming experience that most of us do, and as such has never really had a fixed gaming handle to fall back upon. Nor does she really have much of a social media footprint either. She has used the name Ren before and it seems good enough for the sake of keeping things nice and anonymous. That is one thing I have always tried with my blog… is to boil a situation to the real elements but not share any of the hard details. I did this for decades as a safety mechanism to keep anything I did from blowing back on my teacher spouse. I will likely continue to do this thing, because it feels more comfortable to share the real emotions and thoughts of a moment, without necessarily all of the specific people.
This is a pretty heavy post I know. If you have made it to this point I applaud you. You are in fact one of the “real ones” as it were. I am going to live. Hopefully if I am lucky, I will love again. Regardless I am going to figure out who the hell I am, and how best to support that fledgling person left in the aftermath of my life. I appreciate all of you and how you have supported me over the years. Be gentle with me as I figure this out.
The post I Resolve to Live appeared first on Tales of the Aggronaut.
