In the upstairs bathroom, there are two tiny windows in the room with the shower… and Josie loves them. She has long since stopped fitting into these windows but this does not stop her. She always looks so damned uncomfortable, but if there is ever a time when I cannot find her… I will find her in these windows especially as the sun streams through them. The quality of the photo is pretty shitty because I was using the digital zoom for fear that she would hop down when I came into the room. I love her, and I wish she was as snuggly as she was when she was a kitten, but I try and give her the space she needs. I am wondering how her personality is going to change… and honestly how the personalities of the other two girls are going to chance now that there is no momma and it is just daddy. Cats are effected in unpredictable ways by life changes.
I am so exhausted at a soul deep level. I got something resembling normal sleep last night. I rush ordered a box of zzzquil and it was sitting on the front door step when I got home last night. So I indulged in that and slept pretty much from 9pm until 3:30 and then got up for the bladder alarm and took shorter naps from 3:30 until 5:30 when I officially crawled out of bed. All told I think the stuff worked pretty great and hopefully it can help me through this transition between sleep patterns not working, and normal sleep. Though the more I read up on it… it seems like it is essentially the same as my old trick of taking two benedryls. I knew I needed rest going into today and was willing to carve it out however I could get it. The problem with all of the methodology is that I never sleep the entire night when I am taking something to induce a sleepy state.
Yesterday was the viewing and I got over there around 10:30… saw my wife for the first time… had a mild freak out because she looks nothing like the woman I married. Realized a large part of this is because I had forgotten her glasses and then rushed back home to get a pair. This is what held me up for a bit as I had to wait on a bunch of geese to cross the road. There are around 15ish of them that frequent the small ponds in our neighborhood and they feel like they own the town. So essentially all traffic stopped while we waited on them to cross… at which point I could scramble through the house trying to decide which glasses to grab. She had so many pairs, because she essentially two strengths… readers and then normal progressives and kept them pretty much everywhere she might need to make the transition between the two. I grabbed a brand new pair she had picked out but never really started wearing. Figured she might as well get to wear them, and they also complimented her.
So when I say she looks nothing like my wife. The funeral home did their best, but they had been working on her for an hour without any luck… pumping air into her lungs without any air escaping, and it was just obvious that she had a very rough time. I personally think she died in the driveway of my house and was gone from that moment forward, and all of the trip to the hospital emergency room… was just in vain. On some level seeing her like that helped me more than I realized, because it allowed me to draw this line in the sand that she is no longer there in any form. That she had been gone for a very long time. They nailed her hair though, and I give them mad props for that. The funeral home tried really hard, but when a body has had a traumatic last moments… it shows, and she looks exceptionally rough. I tried to give some of the people she was especially close to a bit of a warning that she as going to look rough.
That was probably the hardest thing about yesterday. I was friends with most of the people who cared about my wife the most from the teaching community. Many of which I have been in text messages off and on since the event happened. Seeing them dealing with the levels of pain I dealt with in those first few days was so hard. All I wanted to do was take the pain away from them and protect them from the feelings I knew all too well. I gave so many hugs, and they were big and lasting and I let so many of my wife’s friends pour tears into my shoulder. I joined most of them in tears, but I had the benefit of this being way more real for me than it had been for them. I watched my wife dying, and I saw her husk sitting on a gurney in the emergency room. They had not seen her… so within moments the battering ram of crushing grief claimed them… and all I wanted to do was lessen their pain.
The day was more physical exhausting than anything, because I kept trying to give time and attention to everyone that showed up for us. I just kept flipping between groups of people as they came in, because everyone wanted face time with me to offer their heartfelt condolences. I shifted into host mode, and while I broke down several times… the action of trying to make everyone understand that they were appreciated kept my mind busy. Everyone was worried about me, but I was way more worried about all of them. The few of us that were in the emergency room that night, had already been through the phases that they were going through. It isn’t easy… I am still very much not okay… but yesterday made me realize how much more okay I am than I was. My friend Vid introduced me to the Ball in a Box metaphor for grief… and I don’t necessarily think that my ball has shrunk yet…. but I do think the momentum has slowed.
All of that said… all bets are off for today. Today is the funeral, family luncheon, and then graveside portion and will similarly consume all day. I left the house around 10 am yesterday and other than the frantic rush back for glasses… I did not make it back home until almost 8 pm. At which point I pretty much scarfed some food that a neighbor had brought me the day before and then collapsed into bed while being swarmed by cats since I was not around all day. Today is going to be exceptionally hard, and I am probably going to go with the more comfortable of the clothing options I was thinking about… because I know it is going to be a long hard day. It was also sweltering yesterday… before the sun heated up the funeral home it was actually somewhat chilly but in the depths of the 90 degree day… I was a mess. The nice shirt that I was going to wear today is a light color, and I am absolutely going to spend the entire time sweating through it. So I feel like I probably need a darker color to at least diminish the impact.
While I wonder what changes my cats are going to go through… I also wonder what changes I am going to go through. I’ve always been a secret hugger, but been to self conscious and awkward to regularly engage in them. Yesterday I hugged so many people and it just became my most natural form of self expression. There was a student that my wife had recently taken under her wing, and I have been texting back and forth with her because I knew she was going to take this exceptionally hard. Shelli had become a bit of a surrogate mother to her over the last few years since she had graduated, because she needed someone like that in her life. Yesterday she told me “i felt a piece of her when i hugged you it truly felt so calming for the first time since this all happened.” and that made me very thankful that I cast aside those self conscious tendencies and just gave into the hugs.
Maybe I change through this. Maybe I become less conscious about who I am and the space that I take up in the world. I am a giant… and I have always been trying to take up less space. I move my way through life like I am just about to upset the balance and knock everything over. Maybe I accept the fact that I will never take up less space in the world and give into being the person that I actually wish I could be. If you are still reading I thank you for coming along on this journey.
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