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I realized this morning that it has been quite a bit since I made a “state of the cats” post. Since I didn’t have a ton of pressing things that I wanted to talk about this morning now seemed as good as any time to do one. Josie continues to get more and more comfortable in our house, and I am pretty sure she is made out of some form of gelatin. Cats notoriously can sleep happily in some pretty contorted spaces but she more than any other seems to be completely happy in pretty much any shape. She likes to sleep between my wife and I and if for some reason one of us moves she is more than happy to stay in whatever random contortion she winds up in. Her current favorite spot is nestled into the pillow back of the old love seat we have in our loft… where she is effectively upside down which isn’t really something you can tell from the above picture.

Kenzie and Josie are getting along swimmingly, and while rare they do occasionally actually snuggle together. Generally speaking it involves laying on my legs while I am sitting on the sofa messing around on my laptop but I have encountered a few other random occurrences where they were nestled together. This is the relationship I was most concerned about because Kenzie has not really taken to liking another cat in our household ever. They however appear to be buddies and are constantly playing together and I’ve even caught Kenzie grooming Josie. We’ve even been teaching Josie how to play catch, and she does a much better job at actually returning the object than Kenzie ever has. Shockingly Kenzie is also seemingly fine with Josie playing with her hair bands.

While I don’t have a readily available picture of Mollie, the things on her front are not going super well. Mollie does not get along well with either Kenzie or Josie, and I am not sure if it is a jealousy thing or something else. Mollie and Kenzie have NEVER gotten along, and since Josie tends to be pretty passive it seems like Mollie is taking that to her advantage and venting her frustrations on Josie. This however leads to a cycle of events which means we hear once or twice a night a squabble that is largely vocal only. Mollie will attack and corner Josie, and to this Kenzie will come to the rescue and go after Mollie until she gets chased off. Weirdly they can all be in the same vicinity when one of us is involved. There have been several occasions when I have all three snuggled in with me on the sectional.

I don’t really know if it is a situation of Mollie is actually trying to play, but not really understanding what play is? She had a weird upbringing of spending the first months of her life in a dog shelter without access to other cats and I keep blaming that on the fact that she doesn’t quite work like other cats seem to. For the time being however I am just going to be thankful that two of the three cats get along swimmingly. Josie is either following me around or following Kenzie around pretty much all of the time. Kenzie seems to be perfectly fine with this and for that I am counting my blessings because I could have wound up with a three way conflict on my hands. I am still working on Mollie and giving her lots of attention any time I can catch her off by herself, thinking that maybe just maybe eventually we will have a real breakthrough there.

I’ve had this post in me for awhile now but each time I sit down to try and write it nothing but an angry screed comes out. So today I am going to try going about this from a different angle. There is an issue that is occurring and each time I try and talk about it, I wind up catching shit about my “opinion”. I’ve fired off random tweets on three occasions and each time I’ve gotten someone telling me that my thoughts were more or less wrong because I was not viewing things from the standpoint of the business and only looking at things from the viewpoint of the consumer. The thing is… while I have lots of friends in the industry and can often times give them credit for their stances on issues… at the end of the day I am a consumer and at the end of the day right or wrong I want the thing that is going to be best for me and others like me. However we are already veering dangerously towards the anger zone and I am going to take a step back and explain why Remote Gameplay matters to me. I have a weird use case namely because I game from two different locations in my house. The secret of my marital bliss has been to be flexible and being able to hang out somewhere other than sequestered up in my office with my gaming equipment. As a result I have a gaming laptop downstairs in the living room and my fancy gaming desktop upstairs in my office. Gaming laptops however are a frustrating proposition in that they just don’t stay viable for very long in the grand scheme of things. The hardware placed inside of them is lower end to deal with power draw and battery life issues and as a result you wind up needing to replace them roughly every two years to keep playing modern games. That is not an expense that I enjoy and as a result over the last three years I have been exploring various options that would allow me to be on the sofa on my laptop but actually playing games upstairs off my gaming desktop. Remote Play and Game Streaming is nothing new and it has been available in one form or another since at least 2014. There are various issues around it related to input latency and graphical hiccups but some almost seven years later most of these issues have been ironed out. Steam In Home Streaming works well for anything that runs through the steam client and supports Windows, Mac, Linux, Android and iOS. Then there is my tool of choice called Parsec that supports Windows, Mac, Linux, Android, iOS and Web Browser.

The vast majority of my gaming is done while sitting downstairs on the laptop and remotely playing games off my Desktop upstairs using Parsec running in LAN mode. That said I could just as easily connect into my machine from outside of my four walls and remotely play my games on a mobile device. If I so chose I could also go out and rent a box on Amazon or Paperspace and connect my Parsec client out to the cloud server that I am renting and install my games that way. I personally don’t need to go down this path since I have a good gaming machine that I control access to, but I know folks who are doing this and it is working fine for them. Just like the server room has moved to entirely virtual servers that may or may not exist on premises, this heralded the beginning of that being a game for your gaming machine as well. Why GeForce Now is important is that it took this concept that has already existed for years… and refined it down to something that someone who is not technically savvy could do. It also took the madness of a multi-tiered cloud provider billing system and burned it down to a simple number… $4.95 a month. If you had an Nvidia graphics card in your gaming desktop and one of the many Nvidia devices like the shield… you have been able to stream your games for years now. However GeForce Now blew away all of the artificial barriers and just allowed you to have that same experience without owning the Gaming Desktop and instead renting one sitting somewhere in an Nvidia server farm… or more likely a nameless server farm that Nvidia is themselves renting space in. Stadia, XCloud and Playstation Now are gaming platforms designed to alter your game buying preferences and channel your focus in a new direction. XCloud and Playstation Now are both following the Netflix model, where your subscription fee gives you access to several titles in their library of licenced titles. Stadia goes down a different path trying to replace both the method of playing the game and the purchase point for that game as well. You make your game purchases through Stadia and you play them within their walled garden on any device you choose to do so. GeForce Now however is something completely different and is not a gaming platform, but instead a hardware surrogate. You still have to purchase games like normally through Steam or Epic Games Store and instead of installing them on your own machine you connect out to your temporary server in the cloud and install the game there. From there you can play that game and maintain progress in that game on any device that supports GeForce Now. So my frustrations rise when people keep calling GeForce Now a gaming platform and treating it like an equivalency to the other Game Streaming Platforms. While I agree wholeheartedly that a Developer should be able to dictate what store fronts their games are available from, and choose which locations that they want to offer them. I disagree completely that those same Developers should have a single bit of control over the hardware we gamers choose to play those games on. If I go to Best Buy, I can purchase a brand new laptop, take it home and install the Steam client on it and within a few minutes pending download speeds be playing a game on it. When I connect to a cloud server with GeForce Now I am doing the same thing. They have provided the Steam Client for me, but I still navigate to my game that I own in my Steam Library and choose to install it and then moments later play it. The license for the game is between the end user, steam and the game developer and Nvidia does not factor into that process at all. Nvidia is providing me the gamer with a hardware surrogate. I am renting computing power in the cloud just like I would if I choose to go with Amazon Web Services, Paperspace or Azure. I could achieve the exact same result by doing these things as well and the developer would likely have no clue at all that I am doing it. The only reason why this has become an issue over the last few weeks is because Nvidia has managed to package this same service up with a neat bow and offer it up at a reasonable price point that is enough to get people to jump on the bandwagon and start trying to play games remotely. The truth is that I have been subscribed for a few weeks now and I am still not playing a lot of games through it… but that does not stop me from wanting to fight for the right of such services to exist. I stream almost all of my games through my laptop from my desktop and I doubt that paradigm is going to change in my household. It allows me to exist with a cheaper laptop and pour any of my finances into my gaming desktop upstairs instead of trying to maintain two rather expensive form factors. With Parsec and an android enabled Chromebook, I can have the same gaming experience that I have on my desktop anywhere inside my house. That is extremely powerful, and what GeForce Now has promised to do is to extend that same flexibility to gamers who either don’t have the skill, patience or knowledge to go through the process of setting the same thing up for themselves. It is really compelling to think that a blah business laptop and $4.95 a month will allow you to purchase games through existing storefronts and play them with RTX enabled graphics. So yes I get frustrated when Developers be it small indies like the dude behind The Long Dark or big companies like Activision Blizzard and Bethesda take an anti-consumer action and claw their games off of the GeForce Now service. This is the point where I get told that there are business decisions that we are not privy to and that there are complications. I know when you say “no offence but” you are just about to be an asshole… but while I understand the realities of doing business and why sometimes we can’t have nice things… it doesn’t stop me from thinking all of that noise is a lot of bullshit. GeForce Now is not a new platform to deliver games through, it is a hardware surrogate that allows you to play games through existing content delivery vehicles. If you were fine with allowing your players to have the game on Steam or Epic Game Store then you should be fine with them playing it on GeForce Now. In my opinion Developers shouldn’t get a say about it, just like they don’t get to choose the hardware that we purchase. I hope I successfully rode the line between angry screed and think piece. I am worked up as I sit down and try and finish this because the thought of someone dictating what I do with the games I have valid licenses to always fires me up. I am generally one of the most pro-developer bloggers out there because I do see the ramifications of some of the decisions that are made echoed on the lives of my friends in the industry. This situation however is just a bridge too far for me, and I am unlikely to ever back down from my stance. I will always view the companies that are clawing their games away from GeForce Now in a bad light because I view them as now being on what will ultimately be the wrong side of history. Hardware surrogacy is a thing that is going to happen one way or another and the time of us not having physical hardware in our homes is rapidly approaching. I will always stand on the side of doing this on a manner that benefits the customers.

I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what to write today and quite frankly I have nothing much to say about anything. I played some SWG Legends last night and turned in a bunch of fractaline in Destiny 2, but past that I didn’t do anything of significance to talk about. I also find that I have no real inspiration as far as topics to branch out into. The last few days have been a struggle to get through and as such you are getting a picture of Josie fighting with a box to tide you over until actual content arrives. Hell maybe the content is hiding in the box that she is fighting with.

I'm having one of those spells where my brain is trying to convince me that no one actually likes me and at best barely tollerates me and any evidence to the contrary must be wrong

— Belghast on ol Menawi Carants (@belghast) February 11, 2020

Late Monday night I tweeted a thing out, and I am still more or less in this mental space which is making it super hard to be creative or thoughtful about anything. I appreciate the support that folks have shown me, but like… I am in a place where that almost makes it worse? I had an interesting talk with my friend Lyle aka @x1101 that put it into perspective as he struggles with it as well. I’ve known for awhile that I battle with impostor syndrome at work, because on some level I expect to be unmasked as a fraud and failure at every turn. He said that this whole feeling that I am having… is basically impostor syndrome but for friendships. That in the same way that I don’t think I have skills, I also don’t think I am worthy of friendship. When I have these doubts I don’t share them because I want positive reinforcement, because really that doesn’t work in the way that you would think it works. I share them largely because I want the other people out there who are struggling with their own mental and emotional prisons to know that they are not alone. I’ve been told that I am someone that people entering the blogging community find intimidating. Like I am someone who has their shit together and such and seemingly is not easy to approach with comments or ideas. While I do not at all get this, because in my head I am nothing… I have heard it enough times to know that it is apparently a thing. So my hope is that when I share my doubts with you my readers and my own challenges, that maybe it makes your challenges feel a little more normal. I have a few friends that suffer from some of the same issues that I have, and have built a sort of virtual family of folks who understand me at a deeper level than I am worth understanding. It feels good to not be alone and to have friend who get at a fundamental level when I have to bail on some activity because I just can’t handle human interaction right now. My hope is by dredging up these demons and putting them out on display that maybe it helps someone out there too.