There is an ancient “curse” that reads “may you live in interesting times”. I feel like right now at this moment we are all living in interesting times regardless if we want to. This has been a bizarre week, and comes on the tail of several bizarre weeks. In a Pinball machine there is an anti-cheating mechanism designed to lock down the controls if you push it off axis just a little too much and cause a plumb bob to bang against its housing. This is referred to as tilting the machine, and I feel like at some point on Thursday I officially entered the tilt state as a human being and am more or less just operating on instinct. As a technologist I often times think of my own internal processes as though they were that of a machine, because in some way it makes me feel like I have more control over them than I actually do.
Video games are a large part of my coping mechanism for stress. I often want to dig into some other world or setting as a way of resetting my brain back to healthy parameters. However when too much stress builds up too quickly I find myself in this restless state where nothing seems to be soothing. I am officially in that state as I flit between activities desperately trying to find something to bring some semblance of solace to my mind. Last night I spent some time playing Doom 2016, because I never actually managed to beat that game before careening off like a bored toddler into some other thing that caught my attention. The jury is out if it actually helped because I woke up this morning feeling just as frazzled as I was before heading to bed and I know I was up several times during the night tossing and turning and struggling with temperature regulation.
Starting around the 26th of February I started fighting a case of Influenza A that was thankfully tested and classified as that. However I took the advice of shelter and self care and as a result I was too late for antivirals meaning that I got the full brunt. I had a Flu Shot but got the trivalent version that my workplace was offering, and my wife later got the quadrivalent version that Walgreens had. Apparently the strain I got was the one covered under the one she received because she never actually managed to catch it which is a blessing. However while I am in recovery mode still and taking a course of steroids to attempt to clear out my lungs, we have also been dealing with the ramping up of concern and reaction to Covid19.
I won’t lie I am concerned about this virus, largely because when the news talks about about the people this sort of thing effects the worst… I am in that category. I have severe respiratory problems and have had my entire life. When you combine that with the fact that I have a less than fully functioning immune system due to some IgG deficiencies you end up with a recipe for me having a really bad time if I catch this thing. I am trying desperately not to let this fear control me, but it is nonetheless a thing. I am one of those people that seems to catch everything that happens to be going around, and I feel like it is just a matter of time before I myself get infected. I feel like I keep wanting to tell everyone that I love them… just in case something goes south because I am riding that line between understandable concern and sheer panic way too much of the day.
On one level it seems strange to be coming home and pushing my brain into another world… especially one as violent as Doom. However for me I guess it is a way of not being me for awhile and going into a setting with clearly defined rules that I can manipulate and bend to my will. It is a way of me getting back some control when I am feeling like I have none. I am a very information based person and the lack of what it seems like good solid verified information is ultimately the thing that pushes me into a state of panic the most. The fact checkers of the world are in a state of overload and too much information is flowing out through less than reliable sources that make for a very challenging time to decide what you can actually trust. So instead I keep looking for shelter for the night in the form of a game, because the day will always mean a return to the logistics of the world and the weariness that it brings.
