Friends I am in a bit of a rut right now. I find it a bit of a struggle to log in and write a post. Last night I had these grand designs on using the Mythic+ key that I never used during the week but that completely fell out the window when I mostly spent the evening crashed on the couch snuggling with cats. I am trying to resist the desire to fall deeper into the turtle mode I have largely been in for the past year. That is more or less failing as I spent the entire evening last night disconnected from pretty much everything.
There are a lot of feelings that I am having right now, not the least of which are related to the constant impact of Covid on my life. We’ve lost quite a few family members, and since you can’t even really participate in the grieving process on some level it makes it seem less real. Right now I am scared because my Boss and long time Mentor is struggling with Covid, and he keeps pushing himself and I am scared we will ultimately lose him. Then over the weekend my wife’s mother told us she was also Covid positive… but she didn’t want to tell us for fear of stressing us out too much.
In pinball there is a state a machine gets into where it locks down when it detects that someone has physically manipulated the machine. These gyro sensors were put in place to keep folks from cheating at pinball, but the metaphor of this “Tilt” state has always seemed fitting. Right now I am locking up and failing and so many influences right now are just not helping. Cyberpunk itself is a really fucking dark game… but the debates over the morality of me engaging with it that I am having with my friends are making it all worse.
There is part of me that just wants to nuke everything, burn it all to the ground and just walk away. I know that is not a healthy reaction. I’ve just reached this point where I can’t handle any more inputs, and as a result I think I might be taking more days off from blogging in the future. I’ve also realized that I am known more for my frequency of posts than the actual quality of any of them. I’m tired friends. I’m tired of this year and so many other things. I’m going to close this out for now, but just a heads up I might be more scarce in the coming weeks. Maybe some distance will help regenerate my desire to keep doing any of this.
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