Not Feeling It

Good Morning Folks. This is going to be one of those posts that occasionally shows up on my blog that is of a more personal nature and that I do not go through any effort to syndicate. Both last week and this week I missed a blog post, and I have to be honest… sitting down to write this one was more of a chore than I would have expected. I’ve thought I was doing okay… but maybe that is less than truthful. I feel like I am on the cusp of another “turtle mode” or a period of time where I pull my head into my shell and pretend the world does not exist. All I find myself really wanting in life is to read my books and play my games and forget the world exists. What prompted this current funk? I think it is largely work-related stress. Tuesday was the last day for one of my co-workers, one who had become my confidant and closest companion over the last decade. He stepped into the team lead and supervisor position that I vacated when I moved up to management, and he had been one of those people that I could just always rely on to do what needed to be done. Unfortunately, the person who I always assumed would step into his role… vacated the company last year leaving me with this feeling of having to start over from scratch. There is someone who has been trying to step up significantly and fill the shoes that were left behind, but it is going to take a lot of work and as such I am spending so much emotional effort trying to make sure things continue to truck along as they should. I’m just sort of feeling hollow. At the end of the day, I am drained emotionally and mentally and no amount of evening seems to be enough to regenerate those creative forces in time for a morning blog post. When I have specific things to talk about it is fine… but most of the Path of Exile topics that I am dealing with are things I have addressed before. I am playing a Righteous Fire Chieftain… a character that I have played in that specific combination of skill and class at least four times. If you just talk about Righteous Fire Characters… this is maybe my eighth. So on top of the emotional turmoil… I also feel like I have nothing new to say. I am not entirely certain what will happen in the coming weeks. I don’t want to force myself and make disingenuous posts trying to pretend like everything is okay. However, I also don’t want to get out of the habit of daily blogging. What is most worrying is that my desire to “cease to exist” has gotten much stronger lately. I am not so much worried about my suicidal tendencies, because I think I am good on that front. I mostly just want to flip off the television that has been my life for a while. That is a statement that probably makes no sense, but alas it is the mental pattern that has been playing on repeat lately. I feel disconnected from the world, but also the act of interacting with it… is a bit much right now. Anyways. Part of this blog has always been the open dialog that I have with you all. I sit here and pretend that no one is reading it, but I know there are folks for whom my daily pattern is part of their own patterns. I’m sorry that I have been less regular lately, and feel even more sorry that probably in the coming weeks that pattern is going to be less frequent still. I need to push past what I am currently going through and find a new sense of equilibrium. The only way out sometimes is in fact through. I’m also shocked as fuck that apparently I have never titled a blog post “Not Feeling It” before today. The post Not Feeling It appeared first on Tales of the Aggronaut.